Seven circles of architectural hell

Oh boy, here we go again. And this time with proper number. Catalogue houses. Nemesis of every architect. As I promised a month ago, here are some more pictures from the catalogues. And these should be there as a raised finger for anyone who wants to build a house.

Building a house is for most of the people the biggest investment in their lifes. And the amount of the money spent on buying or building a house can be very high. But everyone who wants to build its own fortress cannot be blinded just by a good price. The most important thing is the value you will get for your hard earned money.

Perfect house for a twins who married other twins. So for about 4/7 000 000 000 of people. For everyone else, this is a no go. Who would be the other family you would like to live with?

And be careful not to get decapitated.

Who had the idea to put a toilet at the front door? And I mean, literally, just a meter from an entrance? This toilet is clearly for the use of a guest. And the number one thing your guests probably want is privacy. The basic rule should be that the line of sight to the toilet doors should be broken. So in case you need to use the toilet, you won’t be seen. And here, you are literally a step away not only from the front door, but also from the living room on the left. So, good luck with an unseen escape from a fancy dinner to a toilet. Let’s just hope there is some proper and LOUD fan installed, so homeowners can only guess what are you doing just two meters away.

And here are two houses for the fans of morning jog from bedroom to the kitchen. Especially the second one. If you wake up and you are having the breakfast as the very first thing as I do, you have to overcome ten meters long hall, turn right go thought the living room and dining area and back right to the kitchen. Better have a minibar by the bed, so you won’t get dehydratated on the way. Circulation around spaces is essential. Imagine you have to go this way at least twice a day. And what if you are afraid of dark? You should only get this house if you want to rent it to the producers of cheap horror movie, because that is the only place where you can see a hallway this long.

This should be labelad as ‘How not to do zoning in a single family house’, but surprisingly, someone accidently put it into a catologue of houses you can buy. This layout ruins the sexual life of both the parents and the children alike. Just imagine that your parents are doing their bussiness right behind the wall. And they are probably trying to be very quiet in order not to raise any suspicions, so the only time they can really get it on is when you are on a school trip and that is sad. Or we can put it the other way around. One meter from your head, right behind the wall, your teenage son or daughter are exploring their bodies and maybe watching some naughty websites. The other children room has at least the buffer zone from the closet.

Another example of toilet right next to the front door in a pretty long hallway. And the bathroom even has a shower. So the eventual guest can even wash themselves. If you are the homeowner who wants to use this bathroom. You have to go right next to the front door. You know, that place with dirty shoes, which are probably placed right next to the bathroom doors.

Why to have a separate doors to the office and bedroom when you can have tiny two square meter hall between them. And when you want to go in either of them, you have to open and close two doors instead of one. Brilliant.

Ugh, I hope these warning were enough to discourage you to buy a house from the catalogue. And the examples were both from Denmark and Czech Republic. And I believe it is the same around the world. Be careful what are you buying. Especially when it is a house for the rest of your life. Think of your family.

Cheers

Ondrej